He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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