I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
