i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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