I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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