I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
