I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
