i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
