guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
