It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
