i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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