we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
