I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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