So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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