:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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