He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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