After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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