Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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