Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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