Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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