I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
