I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
