I wish I could punch you in the face.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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