the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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