Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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