I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
