wrigley field is MILF paradise
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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