Can i not drive my cunt home
I faked an abortion last night.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
