Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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