I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
