I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
