I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
