I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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