grandma shit on top of the toilet
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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