So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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