in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
