see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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