I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
