The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize