why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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