Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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