The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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