Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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