All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Who put my cat in the fridge?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize