Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
