Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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