sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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