Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
