She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
