Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize