She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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