my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
