my being single is dangerous.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
