beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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