We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
