As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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