Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
