So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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