got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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