I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
