can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
