I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
