There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize